She's got more airs than an Episcopalian.

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.

He's all broth and no beans.

He broke his arm patting himself on the back.

Nervous

Jumpy as spit on a hot skillet.

Calm as a june bug.

He makes a pressure cooker look calm.

Hotter than a burning stump.

He'd worry the warts off a frog.

Talkative

She could talk a coon right out of a tree.

He's got a ten-gallon mouth.

She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.

He blew in his own words

Shy

Shy as sapphires.

Shy as a crocus.

Whey-faced.

I feel like a possum trotted over my grave

Scared

Yellow suits her.

He's as yellow as mustard, but without the bite.

Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.

Scared as a cat at the dogpound.

If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.

Happy

Fat and sassy.

If I felt any better, I'd drop my harp plumb through the cloud.

I'm cooking on a front burner today.

She's got a lot of stars in her crown.

Fine as cream gravy.

Hot

Hotter than honeymoon hotel.

Hotter than a burning stump.

Hot as a pot of neck bones

Hot as Hades.

Hot as the hinges of hell.

Hot as a depot stove.

Hot as a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July.

Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch.

Hot as a summer revival.

Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.

So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs

Lucky

They tried to hang him, but the rope broke.

He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.

He always draws the best bull.

He's riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

Immoral

Loose as ashes in the wind.

She's just naturally horizontal.

He was all over her like ugly on an ape.

They're hitched but not churched.

He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.

They ate supper before they said grace.

Big

He don't care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.

So big he has to sit down in shifts.

His butt looks like two hams in a tow sack.

He's all spread out like a cold supper

Big as Brewter County.

Big as Dallas. ( Also heard as "Big as Big D")

Big as a Brahma bull.

Fat as a town dog.

She's warm in winter, shady in summer

She’s so fat that when her daddy tells her to haul ass, she’s got to take two trips.

Mean

Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.

So low he'd steal the nickels off a dead man's eyes.

She makes a hornet look cuddly.

Meaner than a junkyard dog.

He'd start a fight at the drop of a hat--and he'd drop it himself

Ugly

She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.

He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.

So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.

She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.

He looks like the dogs have been keepin' him under the porch

He looks like he was inside the outhouse when lightening struck.

She looks like she was born down wind from the outhouse.

So ugly the tide wouldn't take her out.

So ugly his mama used to have to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dogs to play with him.

He got whipped with an ugly stick.

Looks like ten miles of bad road

Dumb

If all her brains were dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose.

He couldn't find his butt with a flashlight in each hand.

If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.

He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.

Sharp as a mashed potato.

Crazy

If all her brains were dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose.

He couldn't find his butt with a flashlight in each hand.

If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.

He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.

Sharp as a mashed potato.

He's got a big hole in his screen door.

She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.

The porch light's on but no one is home.

I hear you clucking but I can't find your nest

Acceptable

Might as well. Can't dance, never could sing, and it's too wet to plow.

Dishonest

There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.

So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.

Crooked as the Brazos.

I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.

Brave

Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.

He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.

She'd charge hell with a bucket of ice water.

Dry

So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.

So dry the Baptists are sprinkling, the Methodists are spitting, and the Catholics are giving rain checks.

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

So dry my duck don't know how to swim.

It's been dry so long we only got a quarter inch of rain during Noah's Flood.

So dry I'm spitting cotton.

Dry as a powder house.

Dry as the heart of a haystack

Cold

This is hog killing weather.

There's only a strand of barbed wire between here and there and its down (after a blizzard).

Cold as a frosted frog.

Cold as an ex-wife's heart.

Cold as a cast iron commode.

Cold as a banker's heart.

Distance

Down the road apiece.

A fur piece.

Turn left past yonder.

I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.

Two hoots and a holler away.

Busy

They're doing a land office business.

Busy as a funeral home fan in July.

Busy as a hound in flea season.

Panting like a lizard on a hot rock.

Unsophisticated

Just fell off the watermelon truck.

He's so country he thinks a seven course meal is a possum and a six pack.

They lived so far out in the country that the sun set between their house and town.

General Advice

A drought usually ends with a flood.

Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.

A worm is the only animal that can't fall down.

You can't get lard unless you boil the hog.

Don't hang your wash on someone else's line.

Don't get all het up about it.

Skin your own buffalo.

Rich

In tall cotton.

Running with the big dogs.

He didn't come to town riding two to a mule.

Poor

If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.

So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.

I ate so many armadillos when I was young I still role up into a ball when I hear a dog bark.

Miscellaneous

Independent as a hog on ice.

Thick as dew on Dixie.

Thick as fleas on a farm dog.

That's two different buckets of possums.

Come hell or high water.

Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

Serious as the business end of a .45.

Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.

He's so slow he could gain weight walking.