Pick-Ups In Texas!

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto-makers for the past five-years.

The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto-makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, crap!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!"

The Western Blonde!

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, they are watching an old western.

The husband says to the blonde "I bet you breakfast in bed that the wagon hits a rock and the rider falls out dead."

"You're on," Says the blonde.

They watch the western further and sure enough the wagon comes across a rock in the path, and the rider falls out of the wagon dead. The blonde gets out of bed and returns with a tray full of food.

After eating the husband says "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

The blonde smiles. "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think the wagon driver was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice!"

The 12th Day Of AOL!

On the twelfth day of AOL they gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnection's,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

The Skydiving Redneck!

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons.

The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the airplane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him.

The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord.

The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

Four Redneck Kids!

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Redneck Woman: "Fo'."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."

Hymns For Growing Older!

1. Precious Lord, Take My Hand, and Help Me Up

2. It is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

3. Nobody knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

4. Just a Slower Walk with Thee

5. Count Your Many Birthdays, Name them One by One

6. Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

7. Give Me the Old Timers' Religion

8. Blessed Insurance

9. Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked

Dinnertime Poots!

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dad gomit Ginger, get away from her before craps all over you!"