Difficulty: Average

Time Required: 1 hour

Here's How:

1. Cut out unnecessary letters like g in -ing words.

2. Use these: gotta, gonna (got to, going to), over yonder (over there), nu-uh (no), fixin ta (getting ready to do something), ya'll (you all).

3. Next thang ya gotta do is slow down. Chew on those words awhile.

4. Now ya havta paint a pichur. Texans like imagery, similes, and metaphors.

5. When asked 'How hot is it?' ya say 'It's so hot the hens are layin' hard-boiled eggs.'

6. When someone asks, 'Get any rain lately?' ya say, 'It came a real gully-washer last night' or, 'Nu-uh, it's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs.'

7. Did ya win the Lottery? Well yur so lucky yur riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels and yur prolly feelin happy as a hog in slops.

8. Someone call ya a dumb blonde? Heck, tell 'em they couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.

9. Tell folks your boss is meaner than a skillet full of rattlesnakes.

10. When yur teenager takes the truck out for a drive try to be calm as a june bug not nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockers.

11. When yur teenager brings the truck home with the gas tank sucking fumes don't get all worked up and throw a hissy fit.

12. Next time ya go acourtin' tell yur gal she's cute as a possum and makes ya happy as a gopher in soft dirt.

13. Remember, when a Texan tawks 'bout playin' ball he prolly means football.

14. When a Texan invites you over for supper it's the noon meal 'cept if'n it's the evenin' meal. Or it could be dinner at noon. Ya better ask for a time just to be sure.

15. Ya keep practicin' and quick as a hiccup yur gonna sound like a real Texan. Next lesson is dressin' Texan, but that's a whole nuther thang, sure'nuff.