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1. You must learn to pronounce the
name of the city. It is "Ewe-stun", not "Huestun" The street of
San Felipe is pronounced "San Phal-ee-pay,"not San Phil-
eep".
2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules
...
They
are called "Hold On And Pray." There is no such thing as a high speed chase in Houston.
We all drive
like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610" ... which has no beginning and no
end.
4. You have the "East", "Katy", "Southwest", "North",
"South" "Eastex" which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, I-59 North, I-59 South, I-45 North, I-45 South. Your job is to figure
out which one you really want to get on, without any signs to tell you. God help you, if you are in the wrong lane, or you
will go around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.
5. The Chamber of Commerce
calls getting through traffic ... a "Scenic Drive."
It is if you love to see wrecks, people risking their lives, changing tires, running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes
to avoid a collision, people cutting you off, seeing a lot of peoples middle finger, and cars and trucks polluting the air
with exhaust fumes.
6. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 A.M. to 11:30 A.M.; the noon hour rush starts at 11:00 A.M.
through 1:30 P.M. The evening rush hour starts at 2:00 P.M. to 8:00 P.M. (sometimes 9:00 P.M.) The teenagers take the streets
at 9:00 P.M. through 5:00 A.M. Fridays rush hour starts on Thursday Morning.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light,
you WILL be rear ended, or at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the starting line, count
to 5 when the light turns green before moving to avoid being "T-Boned" by crossing traffic.
8. Construction on every
freeway and loop in the city is a permanent form of entertainment, and delays.
9. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced
by a native Houstonian. It is pronounced "Kirk -n- doll"
10. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, "Oh,
we must be near Pasadena !!!"
11. If someone actually
has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect, and should be ignored.
12. All Suburbans have the right-of-way,
unless you are driving an 18 wheeler, or perhaps a Bradley tank.
13. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 MPH. You will be stopped by Houston's
finest for impeding the flow of traffic.
14. The wrought iron bars on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
15. Never look at a driver of the car with the bumper
sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
16. If you are in the left lane,
and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the people who are passing you, are not really waving at you.
17. If it is
100 degrees, then January 1st must be next weekend.
18. The Sam Houston
Toll Road is Houston's daily version
of a NASCAR race.
19. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of Louisiana.
20. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways, just
follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston
residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.
Y'ALL ENJOY
YOUR STAY IN HOUSTON ... COME BACK SOON ... YOU HEAR??
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